Manx Hockey Blog 10: Jon the philosopher strikes again

Ashley Boris de Pfeffel Johnson-Osborne

Ashley Boris de Pfeffel Johnson-Osborne

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Pasty and Thad return to cover the hot topics of relegation, Borris Johnson and Elton John

THE mixed league season ended on a slightly disappointing note for blog favourites Castletown Cushags Colts.

The Castletown youth development team’s hopes of staying up in the First Division were dealt an blow by Dani ‘Evil’ Kelly, who we are told led the Vikings C team from the front in last week’s relegation decider, hatching her evil plan by single-handedly smiting the youths of the south with her tremendous speed and excessive hockey skills. The speed at which Dani - sorry Evil - approached the Cushags keeper was too fast to many to see. And, dear reader, a sonic boom is not pleasant when it reverberates off your keeper’s kit. 
However, being very appreciative of both teams’ efforts to file match reports, and having enjoyed reading them, we feel that Jon Allen’s team should probably be allotted at least an additional goal for filing a match report that not only included all of our requested terms, but also extended to almost 800 words. 
Some interesting facts about Jon Allen’s match report of last Saturday’s match:

1, It is nine words longer than the main body of the US’s Declaration of Independence. That’s right, they managed to declare the independence of the world’s most powerful country in less words than Jon Allen needed to write up a 3-1 loss to Vikings C.

2, There are enough letters in Jon Allen’s match report than if you handed them all out, everyone in Castletown could have one each, and you’d still have 200 spare. No, we can’t think of any reason why this would ever happen either. But it’s true.

3, Jon has used three semi-colons and one question mark in the match report. We haven’t checked Jon’s match reports throughly, but we reckon that Jon deliberately outlines the result in these grammatical marks in a strange code for people of the future who don’t understand English any more, in order that they will also be able to note the result for posterity.

So, what were the contents of the match report? Well, quite honestly, regardless of the result, Jon went out with a massive bang. There will not be a better metaphor used within a match result this century than the phrase: ‘Some might say that relegation is all part of the learning experience but like extra maths last period on a Friday, a lesson we could all do without.’ Brilliant.

So how did Jon get our three chosen phrases into his match report? Behold the beauty of the following:
‘Perhaps I should have reflected that like Barack Obama once across the line the struggles would have been forgotten and the campaign manager is a hero.’
‘So to relegation - like liquorice it leaves a bad taste in the mouth but not for long.’
‘I consulted a very short friend of mine who said: “Into the Dark Side they must go. Improve their skills they must. Get bigger they will. Like the Platypus they are not and The Colt empire will rise again wiser and stronger.”’
You’ll all have an opportunity to see Jon sporting his wonderful 200 per cent brilliant headband somewhere on a Division Two pitch side soon...



Neill Jacobs became officially old last weekend, and, having so far only wished him a happy birthday in two formats, we thoughts we’d offer our congratulations on both birthday, and indeed engagement here. A friend of Neill - one of our esteemed South African correspondents – has recently wondered why there are two ‘l’s on the end of Neill, and is pretty convinced it is supposed to be pronounced the Welsh way, (as in ‘Llandudno’), or the Spanish way, as in ‘Me llamo...’, so if all our readers could remember to use either of these when speaking to Neill in future, we’re sure he would appreciate the proper pronunciation of his name. Pasty will be ensuring this is strictly enforced on Manx Radio in future.
Neill wins extra bonus points for not trying too hard to self congratulate himself for an additional annum of survival. Vikings’ Ian Perry was recently seen to send a text to Manx Radio pointing out his result, but also that it was his birthday, and wishing himself a happy one. For this audacious attempt at a radio mention, it only seemed to be fair to add VAT to his age. And 20 per cent on that is quite a big number...



Believe it or not folks, the photos above are actually of two completely different individuals. Hard to believe, I know. We’ve spliced the following two paragraphs together. Why not see if you can work out which ones go with which picture?

Ashley Boris de Pfeffel Johnson-Osborne (born 19 June 1964) is an American-born British Conservative Party politician, who lives somewhere on Douglas Head, and was first elected Mayor of London in 2008. Having initially played for Bacchas, he joined Vikings following a club committee vote at Vikings in 2011.

With over a million votes, he received the largest personal mandate during such an election in British history. Best known for cycling to work, and avoiding consumption of alcohol in conspicuous locations, Johnson-Osborne was criticised for running up excessive taxi fares, including a 540 per cent rise in taxi consumption during the year 2011.



There’s nothing like a nice relaxing drive to a hockey match, singing along to your Elton John Greatest Hits CD to psyche you up before your match as you enjoy winding your way around the beautiful Manx countryside.

Cammags’ midfielder Mark Castle was lucky enough to be in the position to enjoy such a trip last weekend and what better setting for belting out ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight’ than on the unspoilt beauty of the famous Mountain Road to Ramsey Grammar School.

After digging out his passport, changing his currency and allowing for the appropriate jetlag issues on arrival, Mark was feeling chipper as he departed his flat in Port Erin for the long drive to Ramsey. At approximately the same time, just 10 minutes drive away Mark’s Cammags teammates started arriving at Castle Rushen keen to warm up for the crunch game against Saracens.

Hit off soon followed at CRHS, at which time we can only imagine the joy etched on Castle’s face humming a few bars of Candle in the Wind as he realised for the first time ever he must be the first one at the match, not one other player in red at RGS - he’s truly an asset to the team!

Half an hour later and the only thing redder than his shirt was Mr Castle’s face, as the Rocket Man showed up at CRHS just before the half-time whistle blew - talk about taking the scenic route! ‘And I think it’s gonna be a long long time’...



Flamboyant singer/songwriter Elton John was born Reginald Kenneth Dwight in March 1947.

Flamboyant hockey player/coach Andy Kneale was born Andrew Kneale in March 1989.



Cast your minds back a couple of weeks and the last person we had to help us out with the predictions was Dr Who’s finest assistant, Katy Stopford. Like many a hockey game for our favourite hockey starlet, it’s fair to say that things didn’t quite go to plan for Katy, earning a disappointing seven points from the 12 games with Pasty on the same scoreline. Thad finished three points better off with 10 points for the week, denying Katy her much sought after mega-prize. Never mind Katy, you’ve still got all your BAFTAs to console yourself with.

This week, and we have the much-travelled slippery Sam Spooner, who is to alliteration what this blog is to Manx Hockey - read into that what you will. Spoo spoo has earned the right to predict this week’s games for being the man who brought into sharp focus the undeniable link between Ash Johnson and Boris Osborne - good on you Spooner it had to be mentioned sooner or later as long as the tabloids don’t get hold of the scandal we should be running again next week.

Spooner’s predictions are below, have a good ‘un!

Pasty and Thad



Castletown Cosney 2 v 1 Vikings D


Castletown 1 v 4 Vikings

Rascals 1 v 3 Bacchas

Rogues 4 v 1 Valkyrs


Valkyrs B 0 v 4 Vikings A

Valkyrs A 2 v 3 Bacchas A

Ramsey A 1 v 3 Bacchas B

Celts 1 v 2 Vikings B


Bacchas C 5 v 4 Harlequins A

Vikings C 6 v 1 Harlequins B

Valkyrs C 3 v 2 Saracens



Castletown Cosney 3 v 3 Vikings D


Castletown 3 v 2 Vikings

Rascals 4 v 2 Bacchas
Rogues 3 v 1 Valkyrs


Valkyrs B 2 v 4 Vikings A

Valkyrs A 3 v 2 Bacchas A

Ramsey A 2 v 1 Bacchas B

Celts 4 v 0 Vikings B


Bacchas C 1 v 3 Harlequins A

Vikings C 3 v 0 Harlequins B

Valkyrs C 2 v 4 Saracens



Castletown Cosney 3 v 2 Vikings D


Castletown 2 v 4 Vikings

Rascals 3 v 6 Bacchas

Rogues 4 v 1 Valkyrs


Valkyrs B 1 v 5 Vikings A

Valkyrs A 2 v 4 Bacchas A

Ramsey A 0 v 2 Bacchas B

Celts 3 v 1 Vikings B


Bacchas C 6 v 2 Harlequins A

Vikings C 4 v 0 Harlequins B

Valkyrs C 4 v 1 Saracens Sabres

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