Dear Auntie Gef,
My ex boyfriend messaged me over the Christmas break saying he still has feelings for me. It's not a relationship I want to get back into but I don't really know how to reply.
Dear Anon,
Like getting at least four Lynx Africa gift sets, sending or receiving a pining message to/from your ex-partner has become a Christmas tradition.
It's understandable really. Christmas is depicted as a time for couples. It's a time to be in love. All the best Christmas films are about romantic love. Look at Love, Actually, The Holiday, EVERY HALLMARK MOVIE EVER MADE. And if you're single it's seen to be as depressing as a bowl of All Bran cereal with skimmed milk. How can you share kisses under mistletoe if you don't have someone to kiss? You CANNOT accidentally snog your cousin AGAIN. So, if you find yourself freshly single specifically around December and the new year, it packs more of a sting. Most of the time I think these messages come from being drunk on Christmas, literally and metaphorically.
It's unlikely we're going to change the romantic view of the most wonderful time of the year any time soon. Not while Hallmark movies are still alive and thriving despite the acting being as convincing as a bear trying to pass itself off as an apple. But we can put together a 'Reply to your ex saying you don't want to get back together' template:
Hi (insert name here)
Hope things are okay with you. Thanks for your honesty. I know that can be a daunting thing to do. This isn't likely to be the reply you'd have hoped for but I don't want to be disrespectful by giving you an unclear answer. I'm grateful for the time we had together but I don't have those types of feelings for you anymore. I hope that can give you peace of mind of some sort.
That way you have been honest and empathetic but aren't apologising for the way you feel. Now, if your ex is messaging and they were a total shitbag in your relationship, feel free to use this second template:
(Name)
Thanks for your message! Here are a list of things I would rather do than even entertain the thought of getting back together with you:
- Endure aggressive Cystitis on a 16 hour flight to New Zealand in the middle seat with no arm rest space either side.
- Do back-to-back Parish Walks with one sock slipping half way down my foot for the entirety.
- Watch all five seasons of Mrs Brown's Boys on repeat.
- Bathe in chips, cheese, and gravy then walk along Douglas prom towards the seagulls.
- Eat an ironing board.
But if the urge to become a masochist ever takes hold and I get a sudden desire to want to be treated appallingly, gaslit, manipulated, and shamed on a regular basis then I'll come knocking on your door aka the entrance to HELL. Don't contact me again.
All the best.
xoxo
PS. Hope you got Herpes for Christmas.