AQUARIUS (JAN 20 - FEB 18)

If the Crosby Co-Op opening is the most exciting thing that's happened to you recently, you need to get a life.

PISCES (FEB 19- MAR 20)

Remember that the best things in life are worth waiting for. Except the promenade.

ARIES (MAR 21- APR 19)

Shopping might not make you feel fulfilled, but it can temporarily keep sadness away.

TAURUS (APR 20- MAY 20)

Making friends as an adult is difficult. If you're looking for new mates, try LinkedIn.

GEMINI (MAY 21- JUN 21)

Want a new personality? Become a vegan. Everyone loves vegans and Geminis.

CANCER (JUN 22 - JUL 22)

You're feeling like life is monotonous at the moment. It is.

LEO (JUL 23 - AUG 22)

The big bad world is scary. Stay where you are.

VIRGO (AUG 23- SEPT 22)

Feeling flush in your birthday seasons? Now is a great time to donate to your local astrologer.

LIBRA (SEPT 23- OCT 22)

Some people argue that failure is, sometimes, a good thing. Keep that in mind this week, Libra.

SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 22)

Follow Kourtney Kardashian and Megan Fox's footsteps, and start dating some emos. It'll be good for you.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 - DEC 21)

This is a good week to wear a mask. Not because you'll be coming into contact with Covid, more to do with the fact your skin is looking... ropey.

CAPRICORN (DEC 22- JAN 19)

You're never too old for a belly button piercing. Don't let anyone tell you it just for 15 year old girls in 2002.