AQUARIUS (JAN 20 - FEB 18) 

Enjoyed the fireworks? Good, because that's the only bang you'll be getting this November.

PISCES (FEB 19- MAR 20) 

Be cautious about who you accept advice from. Not everyone who says you "would suit a fringe" has good intentions. 

ARIES (MAR 21- APR 19) 

A new direction is beckoning you, Aries. It's North-bound to Jurby. You're going to jail. 

TAURUS (APR 20- MAY 20) 

Feel like you've got no purpose this week? Maybe your purpose is just to fuel the economy. That is fine. Spend that cash. 

GEMINI (MAY 21- JUN 21) 

Found yourself in an embarrassing situation that you can't come back from? Easiest solution is to get some surgery and change your identity. You're welcome. 

CANCER (JUN 22 - JUL  22) 

Sad about your relationship status. Head to Tinder this week and realise that you're better off alone. Trust me.

LEO (JUL 23 - AUG 22)

You will have attention from an unwanted admirer this week. However, attention is attention so you'll LOVE it.

VIRGO (AUG 23- SEPT 22) 

Craving chaos? Send some drunk texts.

LIBRA (SEPT 23- OCT 22) 

Is a fear of intimacy holding you back from dating, or are you just undesirable? Something to reflect on this week.

SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 22) 

You're all about spontaneity this week. A Thursday night pint? Calm down, party animal. 

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 - DEC 21) 

Bored? Why not stir up some drama?

CAPRICORN  (DEC 22- JAN 19) 

Growing a moustache for movember is a great thing to do. Looking like you should be on Crimewatch for a month to raise awareness for men's issues? A noble deed.