AQUARIUS (JAN 20 - FEB 18) 

The world is your oyster this week: slimy, expensive and ultimately unpleasant. 

PISCES (FEB 19- MAR 20) 

You may be looking for a sign to change your life. This week, accept life is monotonous.

ARIES (MAR 21- APR 19) 

Trust your intuition, unless your intuition says that a fringe would be a good look for you.

TAURUS (APR 20- MAY 20) 

Whatever you do can't be as embarrassing as your Facebook statuses in '09.

GEMINI (MAY 21- JUN 21) 

Some great gossip will come your way this week. Enjoy every second of bitching. 

CANCER (JUN 22 - JUL  22) 

It's time to plan for the future: look into preventative botox. 

LEO (JUL 23 - AUG 22)

Instead of creating good habits this January, create some awful ones. Increase your screen time, start smoking, drink more.

VIRGO (AUG 23- SEPT 22) 

This week, try and make friends. No, LinkedIn connections do not count. 

LIBRA (SEPT 23- OCT 22) 

Veganuary is not a replacement for a personality, but if you didn't have one in the first place...

SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 22) 

You may be looking for a sign to change your life. This week, accept life is monotonous.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 - DEC 21) 

Choose the path of least resistance this week. If this means quitting dry January, so be it.

CAPRICORN  (DEC 22- JAN 19) 

A bath will be good for you (relaxing) and everyone around you (you could do with a wash).