AQUARIUS (JAN 20 - FEB 18)
A gift from a secret admirer might appear this week. It's from your Mum. She feels sorry for you.
PISCES (FEB 19- MAR 20)
Titanic. Romeo and Juliet. Up. All the great romances end in heartbreak. Anyway, enjoy your Valentines.
ARIES (MAR 21- APR 19)
Love will tear you apart. Use lube.
TAURUS (APR 20- MAY 20)
Candles and rose petals will make tonight very special, even if you are alone.
GEMINI (MAY 21- JUN 21)
Big, romantic gestures are a fantastic way to humiliate yourself this Valentine's day.
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Just remember that Valentine's is like every other day of the year- which means you're going to cry about your love life.
LEO (JUL 23 - AUG 22)
Give the person you love a little kiss this Valentine's Day by kissing the mirror.
VIRGO (AUG 23- SEPT 22)
This is a great time to focus on your family, work, friendships. Anything but your love life, essentially.
LIBRA (SEPT 23- OCT 22)
If you miss your ex, take a leaf out of Kanye's book.
SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 22)
If you're hoping to enjoy your Valentine's, just remember that, looking at your birth date, your parents really enjoyed their Valentine's one year, too.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 - DEC 21)
Something about the moon and alignment of the stars means this is a terrible time for communication. Do not send drunk texts. Also do as I say, not as I do.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22- JAN 19)
Valentine's day feeling torturous? Go to bed early to make the day shorter AND wake up refreshed. Win-win.