In this month’s Manx Bard column, Bradley Chambers discusses the tough subject of domestic abuse.

Why would you stay with someone who is hurting or abusing you? It does not seem to make sense. Surely, we all have choices. This is true, but some have more options available to them than others. Relationships are complex and abusive relationships no less so. Abuse is about power and control.

Fear, shame and intimidation - all factors associated with why abused people remain with the person who is abusing them. There may be children to think of – what would happen to them? People do not always have the resources, or the awareness of what resources might be available, to make an informed decision to leave. Disability can be a factor, as can culture – what would other people think? How would they react?

Abuse can be normalised. It’s just what happens. Just a lover’s tiff. It was the drink –alcohol/drugs can feature also, as can poverty, alienation, and discrimination.

Sometimes people blame themselves. Low self-esteem can feature too. And what would the future hold? There is something ambiguous in being free.

Then there are pets. I am not joking. They can be a serious concern for someone experiencing domestic abuse. Personally, my first concern would be my cats.

Trauma bonding - the psychological attachment felt toward someone who’s causing trauma. There is love too. We can forgive a multitude of sins for the sake of love. I am not suggesting that this is right, but I am suggesting that it is real. Sometimes, people stay together despite everything. Hard to fathom maybe, but there you go.

In the Isle of Man, approximately one in four women experience domestic abuse, whether physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological, in their lifetime. Of course, domestic abuse does not only affect women; women can be perpetrators. We should not presume that women are the only victims, but equally, women are disproportionately affected. Importantly, the LGBTQIA+ community are affected also.

The Domestic Abuse Act 2020 gives victims of domestic abuse, and the police, more powers to deal with the offences of domestic abuse and ‘coercive and controlling behaviour’. It is a strong piece of legislation.

Abuse is always wrong. Support is available. Look out for one another and look out for yourself too. More info can be found by visiting https://iompolice.im/domestic-abuse/

This is a serious poem. Poetry should be serious sometimes.

Stop Fussing

I’m good – it’s all good, I say

as I rub my throat with one hand

just a bruise, there’s no blood -

it’s my own fault. You understand

I’ve been clumsy, my whole life long

I slipped on the tiles; I know this script

it’s easily done, had too much wine,

slipped on the tiles, I slipped and tripped

Some time later I ask you where

would we go, and where would we stay?

no-one’s an angel, not all of the time

I’ve come to expect it; most days are okay

Stop fussing. I can take care of myself

There’s no point fretting on what might be

I’ll be alright and, anyway

there’s something ambiguous in being free