Zoe Cannell is the sixth poet from the Isle of Man to be raised to the chair of the Manx Bard.

Each month, she will share a poem with us, and explain what led her to write it.

The inspiration for this month’s poem is just, well, life, and the quirky experiences that happen along the way.

There is a lot more I could have written too! Maybe for another monthâ?¦

I’ve heard a lot of super things about the axe-throwing, and am looking forward to giving it a try in the not too distant future.

Life as The Manx Bard continues to be fantastic.

I have recently been a part of some truly lovely and worthwhile local events, as well as reciting my poetry and that of others within the community. Thank you everyone for your continued encouragement.

St. Valentine’s Date

Valentine’s love ever shared between the cosily paired. Yet, for roses, you’re wearily waiting.

If you feel left on the shelf, don’t send cards to yourself, just instead try some internet dating!

Create a sultry profile, posing with a sweet smile. Make yourself seem as cute as you can.

Dream about Portofino, drinks at the Casino… This Feb? Hook a new gal, or man!

So you appear at your best, this information digest: you must NEVER include in your ad: -

‘Enjoy lounging on Sundays’; ‘I’m grumpy on Mondays’; ‘At housework I’m lazily bad’;

‘I snore’; ‘My back’s sore’; ‘Clumsy on the dance-floor’; ‘Oft indulge in expensive champagne’;

‘Three dogs sleep in bed’; and ‘my plants are all dead’; ‘Like nothing more than to complain’.

The Island is so, that when you search for a beau – well, it’s hard to find someone detached.

Already courted a few; went to high school with two, and even with an ex you get matched!

Neighbours suggested; plus blokes long-detested. My boss?! It reads – “suitably mated”.

This guy’s at my gym; My pal plays bowls with him; To that fella, I’m somehow related!

Adonis catches your eye and you think ‘he’s worth a try’. From nose and ears, whiskers don’t sprout.

Being passably decent, hope his photo is recent; not from 1990 one he’s dug out.

Cyber chat is the same. Start by giving your name. Exchange awkward “Hello, how are you?”

“Fancy walks on the sands? Theatre? Going to bands?” and “What sort of job do you do?”

It’s tough arranging these dates, as might be spotted by mates, but you must fix a location to meet.

Consider various stops – cafes, pubs, coffee shops. Settle? Starbucks on Victoria Street.

Your stomach will shake-up, as you trowel on your make-up; nervously developed weak bladder!

Choose clothes to look linear and wish you were skinnier, then your tights rip a top-to-toe ladder.

Strides with Piers Morgan charm, a ‘Courier’ under his arm, red carnation pinned on his lapel.

You order two lattes tall, while making talk dull and small. Is that Old Spice cologne you can smell?

Both know standard old tricks (to avoid politics). Could vows finally be said at Mount Murray?

But he’s revealed as a ‘lad’, a smooth-talking old cad… To eat wedding cake, he’s in no hurry.

Clearly, he’s not your fate… What a disastrous date! Go home and crack open the wine.

Didn’t land cream of the crop switching on your laptop. You give up on this ‘meeting online’.

Spoon Nutella alone, you must pick up your phone. Your fridge has packed-up, woefully.

The repair chap calls quick - and you immediately click! “Do you fancy heading down to the Quay?”

He gives the impression he’s kind, 14 North’s in your mind. Book appointments for nails and your hair,

Then he confirms where you’re going – to Mad Jack’s Axe Throwing. What deeply romantic affair…

It’s great fun, though it’s tiring. He’s fiercely perspiring. Macho showing-off, you find quite grim.

So you decide a clean break; a swift axe-it you make – where the only thing you now chuck is – HIM!

by Zoe Cannell

www.manxbard.im