Easter cometh and my eight-year-old niece, having learned that the Bishop of Sodor and Man, Peter Eagles, is to retire, asked me what one has to do to become a disciple of Jesus.

Naturally, we consulted the inerrant Bible.

Apparently, disciples must make many sacrifices.

For example, they must hate their parents, siblings, wives, and children (Luke 14:26) – the reason being, Jesus tells us, is so that they shall love him more than their kin (Matthew 10:35-37); in fact, Jesus promises salvation to those who actually abandon their wives and children for him (Matthew 19:29, Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30).

Jesus is clear on what to do with the children of disciples who curse their parents – kill them (Matthew 15:4-7, Mark 7:9-10).

Peter and Paul add to these family values the rule of disciples over their silenced wives, who must obey their husbands as gods (1 Corinthians 11:3, 14:34-5; Ephesians 5:22-24; Colossians 3:18; 1 Timothy 2:11-12; 1 Peter 3:1).

But, there are many perquisites for disciples: they can move mountains (a big plus for those having to negotiate Ballamodha Straight!), swallow deadly poisons and pick up deadly snakes with impunity, and (particularly efficacious with the present condition of the Health Service) cast out demons (Mark 3:15).

When they die disciples get to spend eternity worshipping God; but, on days off, as a special treat, they get to enjoy the spectator sport of watching sinners suffering (Isaiah 66:24).

Thanks once again to autocorrect, my niece is expecting the Easter Rabbi between April 7 and 10.

Doug Clark

Ballamodha

Ballasalla

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This letter was first published in the Manx Independent of March 30.